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Note from the Author: I hope to give an honest perspective about international toddler adoption, not to discourage or scare families away from adopting but to help better prepare others for the issues that can arise. We still have exhausting days. We still question ourselves. We worry for Elise’s future. After only one year, things are better and there is hope, but we’ve still got a long way to go. Elise completes our family and is a beautiful, bright and charming little girl. And while this past year was a very difficult one in terms of adjusting as a family, we love Elise dearly and are so thankful to have her. As I write this, I see her playing the playroom. She has two hats on her head and a magician wand in her hand. She’s excited because her brother is getting a puzzle out of the closet for her. She catches me looking at her and her face turns into a wide grin. It melts my heart. Sometimes, now, for no reason at all, she says “Mom” I say “Yes?” She surprises me with “I love you.” And, she means it. By Angela Lindig, parent of an adopted child, not a professional. Information in the article is not intended to replace the advice of a professional. When my husband I decided to adopt a toddler from Romania, we received many comments, all a bit strange to us. There were some people who said, “Oh, you all are amazing!” We didn’t feel amazing. We just wanted another child. There were those who wondered why we would want to do that; after all, we already had two biological children. Our oldest, in fact, has multiple disabilities. There were those who thought we were out of our minds. One relative snarled, “Not another special needs kid?” Other well-meaning friends told us horror stories such as, “Someone I know got a child from Romania...she was awful...they gave her back.” Hmmm...I wondered how to respond to that. I wondered if I was supposed to then say ,“Ohhh, perhaps we shouldn’t do this then.” Of course not. Having children comes with risks AND rewards. Undaunted by these comments, my husband and I waited for our daughter, Elise, to come home from Romania. I was determined that she would not be a child with “issues.” After all, I naively thought, I am already a parent, so I know how to parent. I am also the parent of a child with a disability. That surely gives me even more patience and experience. Nothing this child does could possibly throw me for a loop. Right? Due to an adoption moratorium in Romania at the time of our referral, we waited for Elise for almost two years. She was 17 months old at the time of her referral and was three and a half years old when we finally went to bring her home in September 2002. Prior to getting Elise home, I read information on Post-Institutionalized Children, International Adoption, and Attachment Disorders. Everything I read seemed to paint a picture of out-of-control children, consumed by anger and destructive behaviors. The seven videos of Elise we received during our two-year wait showed a sweet, adorable little girl who certainly wasn’t dealing with any of that, so I stopped reading and stopped worrying. When we arrived to pick Elise up from her foster home in Romania, she immediately came to us. She was ready for us and happy. When we showed her Playdoh for the first time, she laughed her infectious laugh until all of our faces were hurting. The third day in Romania, something different happened. Elise wanted something she couldn’t have. When she didn’t get her way, she began screaming. She screamed and cried for a length of time I couldn’t imagine. My husband and I sat on the couch in the apartment in Romania. “How long can she do this?” we both wondered. Even after attempts to console her, Elise continued to scream and cry for about an hour before going to sleep. We learned quickly that Elise had never been disciplined or told no. She had learned that screaming would help her get what she wanted. She did this several times over the next couple of days before our trip home. To the delight of all the of exhausted passengers, Elise screamed for 30 minutes straight at the top of her lungs on the airplane when we landed in Minneapolis from Amsterdam. Why? Because she was told to put her tray table in its upright and locked position. I was not prepared for screaming. Elise was sent to her room for screaming every day for three weeks after arriving home. She would scream up to 45 minutes at a time. When she stopped screaming, I would then go and talk to her and bring her back in with the family. We had a horrible language barrier. She was angry. So were we. Weeks turned into months. Elise displayed jealousy toward her sister who has disabilities. She physically hurt her for no apparent reason on several occasions. She fought over toys with her brother who would eventually just give in. She had significant toileting issues, some of which remain today. The toileting issues, it turns out are common in attachment disorder. Very young children can use this as a way to control something in their environment. While all this was going on, exhaustion and frustration took over for my husband and I. How do we discipline Elise? How do we remain consistent? Consequences didn’t matter to her. Reward systems also didn’t make a difference. Yet, throughout every day, Elise would find time to be respectful, adorable, and playful. It was an exhausting rollercoaster. Every day was spent hoping the next day would be better. Or, if it was a good day, there was hope that the problems were behind us. Meanwhile, Elise behaved beautifully in front of strangers. She seemed very well-mannered, and she had a smile and a hug for everyone. She would rush to the arms of anyone (even complete strangers) if she thought it might get a reaction out of us. She even called one friend “mama” one day and then looked to see my reaction. These situations made our struggles at home that much harder. We were forever second-guessing our methods and her responses. We felt completely bewildered as we battled this child who was only three years old. Many times I cried at night. I said to my husband, “I didn’t wait two years to fight with her. I just want to love her.” It was hard to do that at times. What we discovered is that while Elise doesn’t have an official diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder, she does display most every symptom and therefore, does have attachment issues. This came as a complete surprise to us. Much of our frustration might have been avoided had we known that there is a spectrum from mild to severe. Information is hard to come by on toddlers. Much of the information on the Internet is geared toward older children and teens. Slowly, I began talking about my concerns with other people. At first, I didn’t share too much. I was scared to death that someone would judge us as bad parents if we were honest about our experiences and feelings. I began to wonder how many other parents don’t talk about these things for the same reason. Another source of frustration is that while there is plenty of information online or books written about children with attachment issues, there’s very little that supports the parents. I hope that by sharing this story, more parents will be willing to come out and share their stories, and new resources will be created that will give parents the tools they need to be better parents without fear of being judged. Finding information on practical discipline techniques was difficult. I have read many articles that say, “You can’t parent these children the way you do typical children.” Yet, there are few alternative methods given. Over time, we discovered that we were giving Elise far too much power by allowing her to control our emotions. While she still had consequences for her actions, it was now her choice to make herself sad and angry, rather than us. There is hope! We have seen remarkable progress in Elise. She is now fluent in English and has a strong inclination toward academic activities. She can write her name, knows her ABCs by sight, and can identify the first letter of a word by its sound. She plays very well by herself and with other children. We continue to struggle with her toileting issues and with lying. Both of these can be a huge source of frustration. However, even in those areas, she has made significant progress. With that exception, Elise’s days are now very typical of most four-year-old children. She is learning to love and most importantly, she’s learning to be loved, which is something Elise didn’t seem to know how to do. Not All Children Come Home with Attachment or Behavioral Issues New parents seeking international adoption will often write and ask if it is possible for children to be adopted without these issues. The answer is most definitely yes. While Elise did come home with issues, they are on the mild side of the spectrum. Ask any parent, however, if that made it easier on them and they’ll tell you “no.” Knowing where to go for help and support is important in those cases. However, there are also those kids who come home very well-adjusted, despite being in orphanages and foster care in other countries for years. I recently spoke with another family who brought their son home at the same time we brought Elise home. He was almost three after their two-year wait. He had been in one foster home the entire time and the family had the amazing opportunity to travel to Romania to see him five times before the adoption took place. This is not usually an option for the majority of adoptive parents. There’s no way of knowing for certain if this helped in his transition, but they report he is doing terrific. He and his sister (who was not adopted) are inseparable. He has also shown a wonderful sense of compassion and caring for others. Whether the child does or doesn’t have these challenges is part of the risks and rewards of having children. Being prepared for either situation will give new parents an appreciation for both the joy and struggles involved in raising children who are adopted from foreign countries. Additional Articles/Resources Note: You'll find these articles at different web sites. Use the "back" button when you're done to return to this page. Post-Institutionalized Children — Parent Network Attachment Disorder Attachment Disorder and several recommended books
Note: You'll find these articles at different web sites. Use the "back" button when you're done to return to this page.